Chapter 148: “The Heavenly Misunderstanding”
The day after the "Meditation Tournament Incident," Elegant Malevolence Academy received an official summons from the Heavenly Bureau of Ascension Affairs.
The message glowed ominously on golden parchment:
> "One ’Li Ming’ has violated ascension procedure by achieving semi-transcendence without paperwork.
Present yourself for verification or be fined one hundred thousand merit points."
Li Ming stared at the scroll blankly.
"...They tax enlightenment now?"
Yin Qing massaged her forehead. "You stabilized half a mountain’s qi. Of course Heaven noticed!"
Bai Guo perched on his shoulder. "To be fair, they ignored the exploding tiger last week."
Li Ming sighed. "So, what happens if I ignore it?"
"Lightning tribulation audit," Yin Qing said grimly.
"Ah," he murmured, "the spiritual version of a debt collector."
---
Two hours later, thunderclouds rolled above the academy.
A radiant gate opened in the sky, and from it descended a shimmering platform — engraved with "Department of Celestial Oversight, Lower Branch (Mortal Plane Affairs)".
Three inspectors in immortal robes appeared, holding jade clipboards.
Their leader, a stern woman named Immortal Bureaucrat No. 37, looked unimpressed.
"Who is Li Ming?" she demanded.
Li Ming raised a hand lazily. "Technically me, but I prefer ’ problem’."
The other inspectors scribbled furiously.
"Evasive," one muttered. "Possible rogue ascendant tendencies."
Yin Qing hissed, "Li Ming, be serious!"
"I’m literally being audited by Heaven," he said. "How serious can I be?"
---
Immortal No. 37 pulled out a crystalline tablet.
"We will test the integrity of your cultivation base. Please circulate qi naturally. Any attempt to fake enlightenment will result in instant smiting."
Li Ming sat cross-legged, exhaled, and let his qi flow.
The air shimmered.
Not violently — just perfectly balanced.
So balanced, in fact, that the inspectors’ instruments malfunctioned.
One read "infinite potential."
Another read "cultivation error."
The last one displayed a smiley face.
No. 37 blinked. "What... stage are you even in?"
Li Ming considered. "Comfortable realm."
"Is that above Nascent Soul or below?"
"Sideways," he replied.
The inspectors huddled together, whispering furiously.
One said, "He’s either a genius or a metaphysical disaster."
The other nodded. "Mark him as unclassifiable. Safer that way."
---
Suddenly, a heavenly assistant materialized beside No. 37, panting.
"Ma’am! The system flagged him for dual-energy stabilization! That qualifies him for provisional Ascendant Trainee Status!"
No. 37 froze.
"Which means..."
The assistant swallowed. "We need to... grant him temporary celestial authority."
Before Li Ming could object, a golden seal descended from the clouds and slammed onto his forehead.
A soft ding echoed in his mind.
> [You have been promoted to Temporary Heaven Representative, Local Realm Division.]
[Responsibilities include: accidental balance correction, unintentional miracles, and paperwork.]
Li Ming opened his eyes, expression flat. "I didn’t sign up for overtime."
---
The instant the seal stabilized, the surrounding qi reacted violently.
Spirit beasts kneeled.
Evil Path disciples fainted.
Azure Sky disciples started chanting his name like a prayer.
Yin Qing’s mouth twitched. "Congratulations, you’re worshipped by both righteousness and evil now."
Li Ming looked up at the glowing sigil in the sky, which now read:
"Local Realm Under Temporary Heavenly Management."
"...I really should’ve ignored the letter."
---
Meanwhile, in Heaven
In the Celestial Bureau’s upper office, an ancient immortal looked at his scroll and frowned.
"Who authorized mortal promotion #10293?"
A junior clerk stammered. "Uh... the paperwork did it itself, sir."
"The paperwork can’t promote people!"
"It can now. He balanced the form’s yin and yang signatures."
The immortal groaned. "Another ’Li Ming’ situation... gods help us all."
---
Back Below
Li Ming felt the golden seal pulse on his forehead.
"Does this mean I can command Heaven now?"
Bai Guo smirked. "Technically, you’re customer service for the mortal realm."
Yin Qing pinched the bridge of her nose. "So, what are you going to do?"
He looked thoughtful.
"Probably nap."
"No."
"...Fine. Paperwork."
He opened the glowing scroll, and a thousand heavenly complaints popped out.
> [Complaint #401: Cloud drift too slow.]
[Complaint #402: Spirit beast reincarnated as cabbage.]
[Complaint #403: Farmer achieved enlightenment mid-harvest; crops now emitting sermons.]
He exhaled. "Ah. Divine bureaucracy."
----
The morning after Li Ming accidentally became a Temporary Heaven Representative, the entire academy woke to an unfamiliar sound.
The mountain was chanting.
Not metaphorically — literally. Every peak within five li hummed verses like a choir of monks who’d discovered performance art.
> "The dew falls, yet who cultivates the heart of patience?
— Signed, Mount Three."
> "Silence is enlightenment!
— Except when I am speaking."
Azure Sky elders panicked. Evil Path instructors applauded the artistic rebellion. And Yin Qing, standing on the roof with a blank expression, said the words that now defined her existence:
"Li Ming. What. Did. You. Do."
He sat below her, sipping tea, the golden heavenly seal faintly glowing on his forehead. "I processed a celestial complaint last night."
"You what?"
"Complaint #403," he said, unrolling the parchment. "A farmer achieved enlightenment mid-harvest. His emotions spread into the soil. The crops became self-aware. The mountain absorbed the sermon resonance."
"So you—"
"I filled out a balance form."
"And now the mountains are poets?"
"They’re expressing suppressed geological qi. Perfectly natural."
"Natural doesn’t rhyme in couplets, Li Ming!"
The nearest mountain thundered indignantly:
> "Insult not the art of stone! Our hearts beat slower, yet feel deeper!"
Yin Qing pressed her hands to her temples. "It’s developing personality traits."
Li Ming exhaled. "Good. That means it’s stabilizing."
Bai Guo landed on his shoulder, eyes wide. "Descendant, you’ve awakened a terrain with opinions."
"Better than demons with deadlines," Li Ming replied.
A flash of golden light erupted above them. A heavenly scroll materialized, stamped in crimson:
> "URGENT: Complaint #404 — Mountain Poetry Causing Enlightenment Epidemic."
Yin Qing’s jaw dropped. "Epidemic?!"
From the distance came voices:
"Senior Brother, I accidentally comprehended compassion!"
"My sword intent developed rhythm!"
"Someone stop Mount Three, it just rhymed love with cultivation glove!"
Li Ming sighed. "Ah. Feedback loop."
He rose, the seal on his forehead glowing brighter. "As Temporary Representative, I suppose I must handle it."
"Handle? How?" Yin Qing demanded.
"Same way I handle everything," he said. "Logically."
He walked toward the chanting mountain. Every disciple within earshot stepped back, half in reverence, half in self-defense.
"Mount Three," he said calmly, "your verses are destabilizing mortal enlightenment patterns. Please stop."
The mountain rumbled proudly.
> "I speak because I must! I feel because I can!"
Li Ming nodded. "Understandable. I will now beat you because I think ."
A golden parchment appeared in his hand. He stamped it with the heavenly seal.
Instantly, every sound in the valley stopped. Even the wind froze.
Then, softly, the mountain whispered, "Too quiet."
Yin Qing’s eyes widened. "Li Ming—"
"I know," he said. "I over-silenced the environment."
He tried to reverse the seal. Instead, the silence condensed into a manifest spirit — a translucent, annoyed-looking wisp wearing reading glasses.
It floated in front of him and spoke in a low voice. "You requested silence. I am Silence. What now?"
Li Ming blinked. "...You talk?"
"Ironic, isn’t it?" the spirit sighed.
Bai Guo squawked, "He’s conversing with a concept!"
Yin Qing rubbed her eyes. "Of course he is."
The spirit of Silence folded its arms. "My job is to keep things quiet. Unfortunately, your paperwork was flawless. I’m now bound to your qi signature."
Li Ming frowned slightly. "Meaning?"
"Wherever you go... no one else can speak louder than polite conversation."
At once, the academy fell into an awkward hush. Thousands of disciples began whispering intensely.
The Evil Path students tried to shout — it came out as soft humming.
Azure Sky elders attempted to chant — it sounded like distant windchimes.
Yin Qing mouthed furiously, "Undo it!"
He shrugged helplessly. "Can’t. The seal is self-validating."
The spirit of Silence looked pleased. "Excellent. Shall I file the tranquility report?"
"Sure," Li Ming said.
The spirit vanished in satisfaction — leaving behind the world’s quietest chaos.
For the next hour, the entire academy moved like a mime troupe in crisis. Teachers gesturing. Students waving flags labeled "HELP." A few wrote complaints on spiritual scrolls, which immediately appeared in Li Ming’s inbox.
> Complaint #405: "Unable to yell battle cries during training."
Complaint #406: "Meditation too efficient, cannot stop."
Complaint #407: "Accidentally achieved inner peace, requesting refund."
Li Ming rubbed his temples. "Heavenly work is exhausting."
Yin Qing pointed at him — silently.
He sighed, activated the seal again, and muttered, "Fine. Voice Restoration Protocol #1."
Sound returned with a boom. The first thing they all heard was Bai Guo yelling, "NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!"
The echo carried for miles.
The mountain coughed politely. "I shall... refrain from poetry."
"Good," Li Ming said. "We’ve all learned something."
Yin Qing glared. "Yes. That Heaven’s bureaucracy is contagious."
He poured tea, completely calm. "Balance achieved."
The cup shattered itself out of stress.
To be continued...