Chapter 149: The heavenly performance review
Three days after the "Mountain Poetry Incident," Li Ming received a letter.
Not just any letter — a Heavenly Grade Performance Evaluation Scroll.
It descended from the clouds in the shape of a glowing pigeon that looked both divine and underpaid.
The pigeon landed on his shoulder and sighed. "Delivery complete. Please rate my service out of five stars."
Li Ming blinked. "You talk?"
"Union regulations," it said flatly. "Now please, I have fourteen more divine errands before lunch."
He gave it five stars. The pigeon nodded approvingly and disintegrated into celestial paperwork.
Yin Qing, who’d been standing beside him, asked cautiously, "What did Heaven send this time? Another poetic mountain? Or is it a talking volcano now?"
Li Ming unrolled the scroll.
"’Dear Temporary Representative Li Ming,’" he read aloud, "’your recent administrative interventions have produced... unforeseen side effects.’"
He paused. "They underlined unforeseen three times."
Bai Guo perched nearby, munching on a celestial feather. "That’s bureaucracy for ’we are panicking.’"
The scroll continued on its own, glowing as it spoke:
> "Due to escalating anomalies and general confusion, the Bureau of Mortal Interventions has assigned you an Auditor for performance review."
Yin Qing raised an eyebrow. "An auditor? Like... a celestial accountant?"
"No," said Li Ming, scanning further. "A Performance Auditor — someone who measures the ’quality and narrative consistency’ of heavenly representatives."
"Wait," Yin Qing said slowly, "Heaven measures narrative consistency?"
Bai Guo flapped his wings in horror. "Oh no. They’re going to check the plot
."---
The sky shimmered — and a radiant gate opened.
Out stepped a man in silver-white robes, glowing faintly with the smugness of divine employment.
A scroll was tucked under one arm; a quill floated behind him like an obedient sword.
He adjusted his monocle. "Li Ming of Azure Sky Sect?"
"Yes?"
"I am Auditor Qiu, Department of Continuity and Logic."
He opened his scroll. "You are hereby under review for Excessive Cause-and-Effect Distortion, Unauthorized Heavenly Paperwork Usage, and Accidental Philosophical Influence on Geological Entities."
Li Ming nodded mildly. "Accurate so far."
The auditor frowned. "You’re not denying any of this?"
"Would that help?"
"No."
"Then honesty saves time."
The auditor’s quill scribbled furiously. "Blunt. Minimal remorse. Possible reform candidate: low."
Yin Qing tried to intervene. "Sir Auditor, you don’t understand—"
"I understand perfectly," Qiu said primly. "Our records show this cultivator’s last three activities resulted in:
1. A mountain reciting poetry.
2. A silence spirit forming from paperwork.
3. Two disciples achieving enlightenment via confusion, sleeping and eating."
Li Ming looked faintly proud. "Typical sunday for me ."
Qiu ignored him. "I am authorized to test your qualification as a Temporary Representative through a practical exam."
Bai Guo squawked, "Exam?! Heaven gives exams?!"
"Of course," Qiu said. "Performance evaluations determine divine rank and... continued existence."
Li Ming blinked. "Define ’continued existence.’"
Qiu smiled faintly. "Failing auditors are often reclassified as conceptual lessons."
Yin Qing muttered, "Meaning they turn you into a proverb."
---
The auditor clapped his hands, and a glowing array unfolded beneath their feet.
"Test One: Logical Causality Restoration. You will be presented with a Heavenly Scenario where cause and effect are... compromised. Fix it."
The world around them warped. Suddenly, they were standing in a village square — filled with floating chickens.
Every villager was politely walking upside down.
Bai guo shouted "Why use my kind?"
A farmer waved cheerfully from the ceiling. "Morning, strangers! Don’t step on the sky-crops!"
Yin Qing blinked. "What... is happening?"
Qiu gestured. "Gravity has been reversed in localized areas due to excessive prayer vibrations. Correct it."
Li Ming squinted at the floating chickens, the inverted crops, and the upside-down physics.
Then he nodded thoughtfully. "Understood."
He crouched, drew a line across the ground, and murmured: "Equal distribution."
The air shimmered.
Instantly, half the chickens fell — the other half floated sideways in defiance of all physics.
Qiu froze. "What did you do?!"
Li Ming replied calmly, "Adjusted the gravity balance equation. It’s now fair — everyone equally confused ,just like me ."
Bai Guo cackled. "He made gravity democratic!"Now, even gravity can be a part of adult franchise .
Qiu’s quill scribbled furiously again. "Catastrophic logic with persuasive delivery... 8/10."
He sighed. "Fine. Test Two: Moral Resonance Alignment. In this scenario, a group of cultivators can’t distinguish right from wrong. Resolve their confusion and prove your qualification."
Li Ming murmured "I didn’t even sign up for this".
The world flickered again. They now stood in a hall of meditating monks.
One monk was loudly declaring, "If stealing from the wicked is righteous, then stealing from the righteous should balance karma!"
Another shouted, "Then stealing from everyone makes me enlightened!"
Li Ming pinched the bridge of his nose. "Ethics recursion loop. I hate these."
He stepped forward. "Gentlemen," he said calmly, "morality is not a transaction. It’s an overcomplicated scheduling error."
The monks blinked in confusion.
"Think of righteousness and wickedness as two departments constantly filing complaints against each other," Li Ming continued. "The smart cultivator? He just stops responding to emails."
The monks gasped softly — enlightenment dawning.
Several began deleting karmic spreadsheets in their minds.
Qiu stared. "That... actually worked."
"Logic is persuasive," Li Ming said simply.
"Or weaponized," Yin Qing muttered.
---
After three more bizarre tests involving invisible paperwork, reversed time zones, and a sentient thundercloud demanding job benefits, the evaluation ended.
Qiu’s scroll glowed. "Final result: Unorthodox, dangerously consistent, and marginally terrifying. Recommendation — promotion denied. Observation extended indefinitely."
Li Ming raised a brow. "So I keep my job?"
"Technically."
"Perfect."
Yin Qing smirked. "Heaven just admitted defeat."
Qiu sighed, rubbing his temples. "You are the reason we have paperwork for paperwork."
Bai Guo puffed his chest. "Efficiency through chaos!"
Qiu turned, muttering, "I need a transfer to the Realm of Simpler Problems. Like volcano gods."
He vanished in a beam of administrative light.
Li Ming stretched lazily. "Well. That went better than expected."
Yin Qing gave him a long look. "You turned gravity into democracy and ethics into inbox management."
He smiled faintly. "Balance achieved."
The chickens above them clucked in perfect rhythm — like applause.
To be continued...