Chapter 50: – I Can’t Be Human Enough –
Instead of answering, Nikolas shook his head.
"Nikolas."
"I don’t think any of this matters," he said.
Lucian furrowed his brows, confused. "What do you mean?"
"When she finds out what I am–" Nikolas drew a deep breath into his lungs. "–She’ll run from me. She’ll be afraid of me. Afraid of this monster I am. And I don’t want her to be afraid of me... or even think I’d hurt her."
Lucian’s face screwed into a frown.
"What is that supposed to mean?" he questioned. "I know what it’s like to love a human, you know."
He shifted closer. "Listen, first of all, there is nothing wrong with us. We are vampires, and it’s who we’ll always be. It can’t be changed, it doesn’t need to be. We are perfectly fine the way we are. The problem is that you’ve fallen in love with a human, and right now, part of you wishes you were human too. But—"
"Lucian, that’s not..."
"—If Francesca could love me with everything she is, then you have a chance too. Give that woman a chance to see you truly, who you are, and let her decide. Don’t assume for her. She’s a woman who can think for herself of what she wants or doesn’t want."
"And she may not want... me." Nikolas poured another glass of whiskey and downed it in one gulp.
Lucian let out an exasperated sigh. "You know–"
His phone rang. He glanced at it to see Francesca calling.
[Lucy, can you come home?] Francesca’s voice sounded on the other end of the call.
"Is everything okay?" His tone grew with worry.
[It’s Lucia.]
[Daddy?]
His expression softened immediately. "Hi, sweetie. What’s wrong?"
[I can’t sleep. I want you and mommy to stay with me. We’re alone]
A little smile tugged at his lips. "I’m coming home. Wait for me, okay?"
[Okay]
Then Francesca’s voice came through, warm and steady. [I love you] She blew him a kiss through the phone, making the man chuckle.
"I love you more, my darling Francesca," he said breathlessly, hearing her soft laughter before the line went dead.
When his gaze shifted, he found Nikolas hunched and miserable. The last time he ever saw him this way was after he’d woken from his long sleep.
"Nikolas." Lucian ran his fingers through his hair affectionately, pushing a few strands off his forehead. "Go home to your wife. Stop beating yourself up like this. Go with the flow if that even makes any sense."
He took a deep breath. "Let’s talk again later, do you hear me?"
Nikolas barely managed a nod.
"I have to go home to my–"
"I know. And I’ll be fine."
"Will you?" Lucian caressed his hair. "You look a mess, you know?"
"Just go, Lucian," Nikolas grunted, throwing his head back to stare at the ceiling.
Lucian exhaled helplessly as he stood up and headed out. "I’ll transfer money for the damage on your window," he hollered, shutting the door behind him.
Nikolas dragged his hand through his hair and lowered his gaze to the melting ice cube in his glass.
’What have I gotten myself into?’
—---------
Viviana turned on the bed at the sound of rattling from the living room. She blinked her eyes open, but Nikolas wasn’t beside her.
’Hm... Where is he?’
She slipped out of the bed quickly, the sleep gone from her eyes as she rushed to the door. But the moment she pulled it open, she slammed into a hard chest. The impact had her staggering back, nearly sending her to the floor.
A hand shot out, gripping her wrist and pulling her upright.
"Careful now, my lady."
She lifted her gaze at the sound of his voice, then froze. The usual smile wasn’t there. Instead, his eyes were filled with glints of...
...sadness.
She wasn’t sure what was wrong.
Her nose twitched. "You... drank?"
Nikolas didn’t answer. Instead, he cupped her cheek and stared directly at her as if seeing her for the first time.
"Nikolas?" Viviana was confused and worried. "You don’t drink. You hate it. Why did you drink? What’s wrong? Why did you have that–"
"I’m not human," he blurted.
She blinked rapidly. "What?"
He hunched forward, burying his face in her shoulder. His arms wrapped tight around her waist, pressing her against him. "I can’t be human for you, no matter how badly I wish I could." His voice trembled as he nuzzled into the crook of her neck, inhaling her sweet scent. "But I can’t be without you. Don’t push me away, Viviana. Just be mine... even if only bit by bit."
Viviana froze like a statue.
What... was he saying?
’Is he drunk? Are these just the ramblings of alcohol? What does he mean? Wishing he could be human for me?’
"Nikolas, what is going on with you?" she asked softly, finally raising a hand to his head. She wove her fingers through his hair. "Why did you drink so much? Where did you even go?"
"I can’t stay away from you. I am physically and mentally unable to," Nikolas mumbled breathlessly. "I see you, and I am bursting with need. Is it obsession? A curse? I don’t know. But you drive me mad..."
Viviana shivered and swallowed. "C-come. You should lie down."
She walked him to the bed, and as he fell into it, he yanked her down with him. She landed on top of him, palms against his chest, her face hovering just inches from his.
Her breath stuttered, eyes flickering.
Nikolas brushed a few fallen strands of her hair behind her ear. "Stay with me, won’t you?" he whispered. "I love..." But his eyes slipped shut. He’d fallen unconscious.
Viviana stared at him.
Her fingers twitched where they rested on his chest. Slowly, she traced the line of his jaw, his skin, his eyelids, his forehead... until she stopped at his lips.
— Don’t end up like me, Viviana. Men will only hurt you —
She pulled her hand away immediately, blinking rapidly.
’Right. What was I thinking?’
But...
...Nikolas, he wasn’t like that.
"He’s different," she whispered as if trying to convince herself. But fear gnawed at her chest. Fear of making a mistake she might never be able to salvage. Fear that she might already have.
But regardless of these confusions, she brushed her palm across his forehead as she ruffled his hair back. Straightening after, she looked away and tugged off his shoes. "Why did you drink? You don’t even like drinking. Wouldn’t you at least tell me what’s wrong? I thought I was your wife."
Her gaze flickered over and lingered on him as she let out a shaky breath. "Is it because of..."
"...me?"