Chapter 49: – Fall In Love Again and Again –
"My wife."
"The human you married?" Lucian asked.
Nikolas nodded. "Yes."
A beat of silence passed between them. Lucian was confused. "I am not understanding what you’re saying, Nikolas."
Nikolas took a gulp, letting the drink scorch down his throat. "At first, I just wanted to be close to her. She made me feel something I haven’t felt in a long time. Warmth, Lucian. And not just any kind, but the type that lights up your soul from just the faintest touch."
He dragged his fingers through his hair.
"It felt so familiar. Even her eyes felt like I’d seen them before, left carved in my memory. Everything about her felt familiar to me, and I didn’t want to let go of that feeling. Hell, the very first night we met, I couldn’t stop thinking about her all day. She was stuck in my head, so I thought to myself, I want this woman close to me. I need to figure out what she is to me, if maybe I knew her once and just don’t remember. But nothing’s come back. I really didn’t know her, and that only makes me more confused. How could she make me feel like this?"
He exhaled, shaking his head. "But that isn’t the problem now."
"Huh?" Lucian folded his arms. "What is it, then?"
Nikolas took a deep breath, eyes drifting to the wall light. "When I see her, when I touch her, or even when I stare into her eyes, I feel my heart race. Her pain hurts me. I feel this urge, this readiness to kill for her, to hurt those that hurt her. Every day, I wake up with a fear that she might slip away from me, that she could vanish under my fingers... I don’t know how to explain it."
"Nikolas..."
He swallowed. "Her flaws, I love them, Lucian. Every part of her, exactly as she is. I adore her coldness, the rare smiles she gives only to me. I love the way she laughs, her pretty eyes, and the way she smiles. I love the way she talks, the little sounds she makes when she sleeps. I even love when she reads and doesn’t notice me staring. I love when she..."
He almost laughed.
"...folds her legs to her chest. She does that a lot. She listens to music and sometimes peeks at me while I sit across from her. Most of the time, she doesn’t notice, but when she does, she blinks at me and squints her eyes. I don’t know why she does that, but I like that she does it. And that’s the thing... those little things, they make me feel this sensation in my chest. I even think that I may be... obsessed with her. I shouldn’t be, but I am. I mean..."
He blinked. "...I can’t imagine her with anyone but me. I feel like I can’t breathe when I think of it. I don’t want her to look at anyone else the way she looks at me. I don’t want her to smile at any other man. I want her to look at me and at me only. I want her to need me, to want me and me alone. I want every fragment of her for myself, the sweet parts and the painful parts. And I don’t even know why I feel this way. Have I gone mad?"
He finally turned to Lucian and found the man staring, jaw dropped and pupils wide.
"What?" Nikolas blinked at him.
"Niko." Lucian tilted his head in a pondering sense. "You’re... in love. Well, it’s three things with you. Love, obsession, possessiveness."
"What?"
"You’re in love." He chuckled. "While of course there is this obsession and possessiveness from you, you are also in love with this human."
Nikolas sat frozen. "That’s not–"
Lucian’s smile grew, half shocked, half amused. "You’re in love. And it’s unbelievable. You wouldn’t even look at any woman, wouldn’t give any a chance. The only person you wanted was your mate. How have you fallen in love with this human?"
Nikolas seemed to have thought for a little while. But then his face fell, and he looked away heavily.
"In love..." he muttered, laughing bitterly at himself. "I don’t even remember what my mate looked like, who she was, or what she even liked. I don’t recall a thing. I don’t even remember how she died or who she was before she did."
He asked, "How could I fall in love when my mate could be out there, waiting for me?"
Lucian went quiet. "Nikolas."
"It feels wrong," Nikolas said. "But even then, I still can’t stomach the idea of not being with this woman. I can’t picture a world where she isn’t with me, or even a single day where I don’t see her face, hear her voice, or watch her smile only at me. Lucian, you’ve got to know this woman barely ever holds a genuine smile, but to me..."
He clenched his hands, turning his head to look at his brother. "I make her laugh. She hates being touched, but she doesn’t mind when I get close. It’s the small things that drive me insane, because I love every bit of it. Everything about her makes my heart race in a way I cannot define. It makes me feel like I’ve lost my mind."
Silence filled the room. The chandelier light flickered, and he exhaled.
"She’s the only thing I can think of. And even now, knowing it’s wrong to love her when I have a mate out there, I can’t help it. I don’t even want to fight it. I don’t want to leave her. I refuse to. I can’t."
"Nikolas." Lucian seemed restless for him.
"Lucian, listen–" Nikolas breathed, sounding exhausted, "–I don’t want any of this to disappear. I can’t have that. I can’t give her up. I am unable to even if I tried."
"Then don’t," Lucian said. "You’ve fallen in love with her, Nikolas, and nothing can be done about that anymore. Who cares that she’s not your mate? Who cares that she’s human? If I’d spent my life waiting and worrying, Francesca wouldn’t be mine now. If I had another chance, I would still be with my wife, whether she was my mate or not."
He smirked and poured himself a drink. "Waking up to her every day, her smile, hearing her little hums while she makes her morning tea that I’ve come to enjoy too... It is an unexplainable feeling. And you shouldn’t give that up."
"You would be miserable, Nikolas." He gulped down a mouthful of whiskey. "I can’t imagine waking up and not hearing my wife’s sweet voice. She’s my home. She is everything to me. And if this is how you feel about this human, make her yours. Forget what our mother will say. Get rid of that guilt. You’ve tried finding your mate, you’ve put more than enough effort into searching for her. And it’s not your fault you haven’t found her. Move on."
Nikolas swallowed. "It’s not... It’s not like—"
"Give it up." Lucian shook his head. "Face what’s in front of you, instead of chasing what you may never find, even if you paid for every piece of this world. If you do find your mate someday, would you even love her? After you’ve already fallen in love with this human? Really, Nikolas? Be honest."