Chapter 141: I’m Sorry
Song For This Chapter: Numb by Tommee Profitt & Skylar Grey
Alpha Liandria;
I stare in silence at the ground. At the trail of ants carrying a crumb of bread from my plate, across the floor.
I watch them in wrapt attention as they carry it carefully, knowing that they are doing all this to serve their queen. All so she can birth more... servants.
Funny how I used to think I was like that. An untouchable queen. I instilled so much fear in my people, I was certain that till the day I breathe my last, they would have no choice but to serve me. No matter what I did.
I never thought that one day... I would be stuck here. In a cell.
My thoughts pull to a stop when my nose catches the familiar scent that causes my heart to skip a beat.
Rhydian.
He’s... he’s coming.
Since Wilhelm locked me up, Rhydian hasn’t paid me a single visit... But now... Did something happen to him? Is he okay??
I get up and rush over to the bars as I dust my skirt and stare eagerly, waiting to see him.
My gaze drops to the ground when I see a shadow approaching, and my heart starts pounding. I can recognise that silhouette anywhere. My son. My baby boy.
Rhydian...
He soon appears before me, and a relieved exhale and smile escape me as soon as I see him.
"Rhydian... You finally came...." I whisper happily as I try to reach out to hold him, but I freeze, and my smile vanishes when I see his face.
He stands close enough for me to see every detail about him, but far enough for my hands not to be able to reach him.
His eyes... His usually bright, beautiful grey eyes are now... dull. Distant... cold...
There are dark circles beneath his eyes, and his face looks pale. So pale his cocoa-toned skin has lost its glow.
He looks like he hasn’t slept well in days and like he might collapse anytime soon.
What... what happened to him??
"Rhydian, what happened to you? Are you sick?" I question in panic, but he just stands still with his hands in his pockets as he stares at me.
The silence is deafening. Heavy... uncomfortable.
All I can see in his eyes is anger. But the scary thing is the silence of this anger. It holds no threats, no malice... just hurt...
What’s happened to him?
Has he found out something he shouldn’t have??
Which of my many crimes has come to light now??
"Rhydian..." I whisper, and finally his lips move.
"You’re the biggest crack in my life." He says coldly, and I feel my heart stop.
"Initially, I used to wish I was neverborn, but with time, that wish changed. Now, I just wish I hadn’t been born to you." He adds, and my fingers curl around the iron bars in front of me as the cold hatred in his words pierces through me.
"How is it that the woman who is supposed to be my biggest support and motivation is the reason I wish I had never been born? Other mothers give love, care, and hope to their children, yet every time I’m around you, I feel hopeless. The one thing you have been spectacular at is taking hope away from me. Hope as well as my will. My will to live, my will to love, my will to just... exist..." He continues, and my vision blurs as I stare at the boy I raised with my own hands.
The boy who gave me reason to live is telling me I am the reason he wished he hadn’t been born??
"How can you be so vile, Liandria? I’ve been drowning... I’ve been lost. Aching. Hurt. Confused. Yet not once has it ever occurred to me that I should talk to you about it. How could I?! You’re the root of this problem. I’m not a child to you; I’m just a commodity. A means to an end. I’m a slave, and you’re my master." He accuses, and I can’t take the cruelty of his words.
"Rhydian!"
"What!?" He snaps back, and I gasp.
"Did I lie?! All I am to you is something you can use to gain Father’s approval. If not that, you see me as the key to your unprecedented power. The one you want to ascend Father’s throne so you’d be untouchable!" He spits, and I gulp.
"You never let me be a kid! How I walked, how I dressed, what I ate, who I could be friends with... Mind you, the only friend you didn’t rip away from me was Igma. When my mates were learning how to dissect and handle social issues on their own, I was under your thumb, learning to do and obey only what you say! Now, I’m stuck with a problem, and I don’t know what to do about it! Even though you put me in this mess, a part of me keeps wondering how you would want me to handle it!" He screams, and a tear runs down my cheek.
"Rhy...Rhydian, I only did it for your good. I wanted you to be perfect..."
"Perfect for who!? For you!?" He screams, and I take a deep, painful breath.
"’Cause I’m definitely not perfect! I’m flawed! I’m a flawed fucking failure! I hate the man I have become! I can not make any decision that feels right! Everything I do is still tied back to you. I’m a grown ass man, but I’m still concerned about what you would think about my decisions, even though I know I shouldn’t give a shit about a monster like you! I should hate you and even wish you dead after all you’ve done, yet every time, I can’t help but wonder why you never loved me. Hating you is the only way this doesn’t hurt, and somehow, I still can’t hate you enough." He adds, and this time my tears start pouring.
"I... I don’t even know who I truly am. I don’t know who lies beneath the monster you made! One thing. Only one thing felt real to me. Only one thing... made me feel different. I felt like a new person. I felt happy. And now you’ve taken him away from me. I’m stuck with Bram! I can’t push him away because I’m atoning for your sins, but he repulses me, and I can’t keep him close to me! Doing right by him pushes away the only person who helps me feel good about myself. I... I hate you!" He continues, and my heart skips a beat at the last words he just spoke.
"I hate you, Mother!! And I pray that in my next life, I never have anything to do with you. I hate you." He spits, and before I can get a chance to speak, he turns around and marches off.
"No! No... No.. No, Rhydian, come back here!! Rhydian, come back, let’s talk!!" I scream, but I’m met with the sound of his footsteps receding.
My heart shatters in my chest, and I crumble to my knees as his words replay in my head.
The way his eyes shifted colour... The anger in his eyes, the hurt and hatred in his voice...
What have I done??
What did I do to him??
I... I know I was too hard on him, but I wanted him to be perfect for Wilhel... He’s right.
I’m a horrible mother... I... I was raising him to be a boy who would catch Wilhelm’s eyes.
I... I never raised him to be himself. I never... I never gave him the love or warmth he needed.
What use is love if it doesn’t show?
For all these years, I have cursed Wilhelm for not seeing me, but I was doing the same thing to my child.
I... I passed down my trauma to him, I failed him as a mother.
Sobs rake through me, and I remember times when Rhydian was still a little cub.
When he’d come to me crying each time he got injured from training, and I would tell him to suck it up. I... told him no one liked a weakling, and his Father wouldn’t acknowledge him if he cried about every little thing.
I never gave my child the warmth he needed, and instead, he turned to maids for comfort... and then he stopped turning to anyone.
I treated my child like a puppet, forgetting that he... that he had the right to feel.
I... finally had the chance to love someone who would love me too, and I... I ruined it. I... I pushed my boy away...
"I hate you!!" His words echo in my mind, and I press my hands against my ears and shut my eyes tightly as I break down.
I failed. I failed!!
I’m... I’m a horrible mother. I broke my son.
For my selfish reasons... for my insecurities... I tortured my own child. My only child...
"I failed you..." I whisper in suffocating sorrow as all my actions begin to tumble down on me like an avalanche.
I failed my son...
How... How do I fix this?
Can I fix this? How do I make it right?
How do I heal my son? Can I get him to forgive me??
Will he... will he ever forgive me?
Will he... will he ever believe that I love him? I do love him, I just... I just... lost myself in jealousy and anger.
In a horrible darkness that didn’t let me see the only other good thing in my life. And now, I might lose him forever.
"I’m sorry..."